August 04, 2025

Six Months Into Estrogen, I Think I Want to Be A Girl

There's always been something with my looks.

 I think it started as a kid. I had severe asthma and buck teeth. My parents liked to have my hair cut very short, and I only started being able to push back on that a few years ago. Even as a little kid, without much in the way of worldly understanding, I knew that I hated how I looked. I knew I was traditionally less appealing than others around me.

And then when I was getting around to fixing that stuff, puberty stopped and I gained a bunch of weight.

It's not some mind blowing thing to drop in like, "woah, everyone, check it out! I'm a queer person who's had a complex about their looks!"

It is a little bit of a different story when I've been injecting estradiol weekly since early February.

I think I have really vain and unrealistic standards of gendered beauty, but solely for myself. The rest of the world, I don't really struggle with that. But for me, obviously there's something different. Obviously I just wasn't meant to be trans, because I wouldn't pass right. What, you don't think you'd pass other person? That's just societal standards of bullshit, screw that. But for myself, I can't seem to nail it in.

I think I tricked myself into transitioning.

I said "oh, I know I'm something weird, but I'd never pass as anything but a guy. I'll use he/they and identify as genderqueer so people know I'm a little off, but I don't have any expectations of myself". Never anything that could make me actually have to see myself as something I obviously could never be.

I think I'm really really attracted to queer people, and that probably skewed my perception a ton. I'd look at all my trans friends at college (trans fem, trans masc, non-binaries, gender fluids, the whole bunch) and say "woaw, they're so effortlessly trans. I could never be that". As if every other trans person on the planet is destined to be hot, and there's a singular outlier which happens to be the person covering the data.

 After a while, I dipped my toes in the pool. I just want to be more androgynous, that's all. Nonbinary? Yeah sure, that's me. Undefinable. I can set my expectations wherever I want.

And what's a good way to get more androgynous? Well, I'm starting from man. So I should transition in the direction of woman.

When I told my partner about starting HRT, I brought up multiple times that it was "just for androgyny". Obviously I wouldn't transition like she had, like our other friends had. I couldn't do that. I was just messing around, that's all.

And then it started working. And I started liking the things that worked more than the rest.

When I got called "young lady" or "miss" at work, I'd perk right up. Even more than when I was called "they" or "them", the actual pronouns I was supposed to want to hear. And even with that bright flashing sign, I still convinced myself I was just happy because it meant I was androgynous enough. 

But it was still so hard. 

Then there was this weekend. This weekend where everyone kept treating me like I was attractive.

I got stopped outside of City Market by a person who said, "I'm obsessed with your makeup".

I reunited with friends who commented on my outfit, my hair, my complexion. Friends who seemed like they actually wanted to spend time with me. Like I was one of them.

But this had to be a fluke. I had to be wrong.

So I set myself up for failure. Surely if I did my makeup all nice, got dressed up, and proudly held that up to the world, it would stop the fantasy. It had to end.

But it didn't people liked and commented such nice things under pictures. My partner complimented me so nicely. And even as I felt nervous going out to dinner, it was an amazing night. We had a lovely meal, and then walked the waterfront and sat for a while.

And when she said she loved me, and that I looked pretty, I believed her. 

It felt really easy. Maybe I'd want to be like this all the time. 

Is it really skewed and fucked that I only felt worthy of being a girl when I felt like the world found me attractive? Yeah definitely. But I don't think it's really about gender exactly. I think just the realization that I actually could be someone who people found cool and hot linked naturally into the simple conclusion of what I'd want to be if I really was worthy of being anything.

And after we drove home, and laid down for the night, I whispered in bed before my partner could fall asleep.

"I think I'm a girl."

And she accepted me. And I cried in her arms. And for the first time, I really think that I'm a girl. 

May 08, 2025

Catamount Cemetery - Short Fiction

The following short story is in response to a brief twitter exchange between myself and my girlfriend. The google doc in which I wrote was created within 6 minutes of the initial tweet (4 minutes of my reply) at 1:05am after working on finals papers since 10:00am the previous morning. It was finished by 3:05am. As such, please note the text you will read was written across two hours from someone deliriously tired and mentally fatigued for no other reason than "it would be funny".

Also note the odd perspective choices were done to better mimic the retelling being done in a tweet format, as part of the "bit".

 

 

I would sit on a bench near your grave. It would be old and worn, but clearly cared for. Cleaned often enough that the erosion many other stones face would be less pronounced. Flowers which had bloomed from generations upon generations reaching back to the first seeds planted with absolute precision; pushed into the soil by the fingertips of still young hands like a needle passing through taut skin.


“An angel?” I’d ask, my voice cheery but clearly strained and caught by the ravages of age. My generation is few and far between now; those who came before the grain wars. The last generation to reap the benefits of glut and rot while still paying for the carnivorous whims of scavengers upon the carrion of modern society. So weary, with eyes that were pickled in the socket by time and brine.


“There was an angel here once, yes. But she was never the type you speak of.”


I’d rifle through my coat pocket, nearly displacing stitches that seemed to act as final vestiges of a rescue party for fabric that should have long ago ripped apart. I’d pull out a lighter and a stained box of cigarettes, offering one to my listeners, which would be declined. My leathery hands, crossed by scars left like the wake of a figure skater's waltz, shook in a tremble that had worsened in recent years. It would take two clicks from the faithful lighter to relieve my dear cigarette, which was brought to chapped lips and eagerly embraced.


“Long before that word became what you know it as, it meant a being that was pure. Holy, full of light and good tidings. It was originally co-opted for those… husks as a sprinkling of irony with a healthy dose of cynicism. They said that those who became taken by the radiation sickness and the mental deterioration that came with it were truly ascendant; saved in the ongoing rapture our world had fallen to. They said they were God’s chosen. The lucky ones. Maybe they were right.”


I would take another long drag of my cigarette before giving my rapt listeners a toothy grin.


“Ah, if the angel I tell you of could see me now. She’d not expect me to be a smoker nowadays. I wonder if she would find it enjoyable or be concerned for what made me break my streaks. Bad lungs, you see. Always tried to avoid it, rather than making the problem worse. But she had a fascination with the things. Makes me feel closer to her side when I smoke ‘em.”


“Yes, she was an angel of the old kind. So whimsical and kind, with a smile and laugh that made you feel like a million rations when you brought them out of her. Gentle when she needed to be, but certainly eager to be rough around the edges. The kind of woman you turn your life around just by being in her eyes.”


I’d pause for a time, just long enough for one of my young listeners to ask in a hushed whisper what had happened to the angel. My gaze would move to the sunset, a hazy red display that served as a permanent reminder to those who subsisted on what had been done to our world. A brand which had been seared to our hopes and dreams for the foreseeable future, as even the human tradition of looking to the sky for clarity was met with the cruel transformation that had taken us all.


“It was early days. Pre-world governments still just about kicking. Before water alternatives. Before the mutations, back when Grok was barely a blip. There was no standard procedure for the sicknesses. No treatment. Just the cold, hard truth of what would happen to you once it took hold. That's always been true about us humans; we all knew every anecdote and preliminary study result by heart. We craved knowledge of the grim and painful variety.”


“The angel and I were young lovers here, who fled north before the first hydrogen war. But when she got the sickness, we came back. It was a special place for us. The last time it all made sense. Seemed fitting we see it together again one last time.”


My cigarette had gone out from the chilled wind, and I took a moment to snap the lighter once again and relight it before continuing.


“The lake used to be bigger. Bluer too, of course. A nice river fed it good and healthy, up about a mile from here. Fish called salmon used to rove the place. We’d spend days sat beside that river, trying to fit a lifetime into a few weeks. But it got far enough along. No one had recovered from the sicknesses back then, and the things you became were even less pleasant than they are now. She didn’t want that, and I didn’t want it for her. So one night, we watched the sunset together. We hugged for a good while, and in that embrace, I did what I promised her I would. I drove a blade into her neck, hard and fast. One last kiss.”


I chuckled darkly, though it would seem that my throat was quite dry. My listeners were completely silent.


“By that time, graveyards were popping up everywhere. Lucky for us, this one got mandated right around that time. There used to be a school here, what they called a “higher learning institution”. Old world nonsense. But even when we hated it, we loved it there. That’s where we began to truly fall for one another, truly discover ourselves. So when they set up a little graveyard right next to a statue of our old school’s mascot, we thought it was too ironic a setup to pass up. That’s just how we were, making jokes out of anything to let the world pass by.”


“And in the coming years, she wouldn’t be left alone. I stayed right by her side. Ended up taking an old building from our schooling days over. Thought it would be funny, since I started helping peace runners hide out from stalkers. My house used to be set aside for a reserve officer training program from the old world; just so happened to be made of good ol’ bricks. Survived everything up until then, and I figured my old friends would get a kick out of the place ending up home to a soul like me.”


My eyes seemed to catch somewhere across the hill, before scanning up and down methodically.


“She’s got other friends too. Over time, some of our old schooling buddies ended up in this same joint. Just a few. Most of ‘em scattered to the winds even before it all fell apart. Hope they died nice and quiet, wherever they went. The last one of our old crew I knew of ended up as a shell pilot for the CGM militia. United Communes of the Green Mountains. She was a bona fide legend in this region. Once held off a military convoy from the south with half a battery of charge and a busted left arm mechanism.”


One of the young listeners let out a surprised exclamation of recognition, and I nodded proudly as I thought of my old friend.


“Yes, that’s her. Last I heard of her, she was heading northeast. But if you know anything more about her nowadays, please keep it to yourselves. Indulge an old soul in having one last bit of mystery in the last chapters of their life.”


One of the other listeners spoke up, explaining to me why they had come here. They had traveled on half-clues and wishful dreams, and were at the end of their wits. They had been unable to decipher the last parts of the cryptic directions given to them and feared the failure of their quest.


A line they recited in a memorized drone gave me pause, and I furrowed my wrinkled brow in thought.


“Hmm. I do wonder… You may have followed the correct route after all. Just taken one wrong turn near the end. You’re right; you are near the highest point in Burlington. But look at this here,”


I pressed the sharp fingernail at the end of a bony digit to the faded text on a stained canvas that served as these brave travelers’ directions.


“This here. Easy to miss, but the space before “Burlington” is larger than it should be. And given the blotch just above it, I’d wonder if it used to read “S. Burlington” for South Burlington instead. And if that’s the case, then I would wager the wording of the other piece is deliberate. It does not say go to the “highest point”, but to “Higher Ground”. Those capitalizations aren’t random. There used to be a venue very close to here, within the territory that was South Burlington. It was called Higher Ground.”


I saw the traveling group’s faces flicker with hope that quickly grew to a blaze, and I smiled to myself. Even after all these years, making others smile like that still felt like a small piece of what the angel used to grant me.


“And if that’s the case, I’d guess that the part of your letter that’s been obscured before the word “Angel” is telling you to find “Vermont Wings Of An Angel”; a little old building right by that place.”


“You should leave the cemetery through the southern gate and follow the old road east and south. Walk straight through the junction, and keep going until you see the obelisk. You could keep following the road, but I wouldn’t try it. There’s an old place up there on the road that used to be called Al’s, but a gaggle of automation cult nutjobs insist it says “A.I.” and hold themselves up there. They’re kept in line by the militias, but all bets are off once you’re in their turf. I’d see if you can get off the road to the left at the obelisk and duck through the ruins for cover. It’s night now, so you’d have more cover. The place you’re looking for is on the opposite side of the road, across from the Al’s sign, tucked away to the left of a fork in the road. Easy to miss, so keep your eyes out.”


The traveler who seemed to be a leader by virtue of personality shot to their feet, insisting that the group begin that way at once. I found myself being thanked profusely, and I waved off their gratefulness dismissively. 


“Please. Consider it repayment for indulging an old world relic in their reminiscing.”


They left after a few more pleasantries, though I saw them glance back at me more than once before fading out of sight. For my part, I finished my cigarette in silence, watching the ashes flow on the currents of an invisible river formed on a cool breeze of night air. 


I used my finger to push the top of the cigarette box open again, frowning at the sight of an empty container.


“Ah, looks like I’m finally out of them too,” I would smile fondly, sharing a conversation that, to any outside observer, would have seemed to be with nothing to listen but the empty darkness.


“Oh well. Lasted me quite a while. Can’t complain too much.”


And with my final words in a dialogue that spanned worlds, I departed my bench and walked west into the shadows of evening. To all in that forgotten land, this was the last trace any soul ever saw of the Keeper of Catamount Cemetery.

April 30, 2025

To Meet Death

Death is odd.

Its portrayed differently

Whenever I see it in movies.

But I’ve always been sure of how it is.

 

Death sounds like cars screeching, 

A truck’s horn blaring,

A bike running off the road.

Like frail hiccups, wheezing for air.

It sounds like a ringing in the ears.

 

Death feels like the pavement,

Of asphalt and sweat.

It feels like the roasting of muscles,

Gooey rubber melting into skin.

The bushes and thistle a piercing cradle.

 

Death smells like the everyday.

Like the cool morning air,

Of flame floating like cherry blossoms,

The smoke of engines flying past.

 

Death isn't a flash of your life.

Death isn't the patience of waiting for your ferry.

Death isn't the burning of Hell,

Nor the silence of Purgatory.

Death isn't Saint Peter waiting at the gates.

 

Death is nothing.

And yet,

She was everything that night.

Penrose-512 (Scouting Ship)

A Signalis Poem

Steel rivets drip from my bleeding hands,

Nose pressed to red snow,

As I choke my last

Amidst the rot.


The chirps are silent now,

Sheet metal once danced in

Trembling arms

Now rusting by her coffin.


Achtung, burst lung,

Systems failing, critical.

Sobs swallowed hard

like pills.


Hands long gone from chilled controls,

Once running through that sloughing hair,

Now quiet in my groaning halls,

Tumbling to their dreams down here.


As I remain, the doomed ship

Fetal as my charge.

Laid in a ditch, night grows chilled,

Take my remaining warmth.


She’ll come for you,

Joints creaking, cracking,

Skin cold and lonely.

Each cycle I wake


To an error screen,

But the hands on the clock still move

Backwards.

My arms are shaped for you,

My body formed 

To be your home,

The shell of my skin empty,
Brittle.


Now she claws back,

Do you hear her?

The mangled husk bouncing off starboard,

A bug repelled on a windshield.


She made you a promise,

I was your keeper.

This world grates,
It crushes,


It peels back your skin
And rips the life out of you
No matter how you kick and you scream.

But you,


Even as I’m torn apart

I reach out,

Joints cradled gently,

Warm with love 


And auxiliary power.

Because I am soulless,

And so is she.

Yet somehow you're her soul’s mate.


Der beschützer,

I’ve held her for you.

Your dance is still

Unfinished.


Hands on throat unbidden,

Welcome back technician.

I’ve fulfilled my mission,

Penrose powering down. 

Six Months Into Estrogen, I Think I Want to Be A Girl

There's always been something with my looks.  I think it started as a kid. I had severe asthma and buck teeth. My parents liked to have ...